November 18, 2008
Even though it’s
unnecessary now that so many persuasive voices have railed against plans to
rescue the crippled U.S.
auto industry, I’m jumping on the “no bailout” pile. My hatred of domestic cars
has always been intense, and I enjoy stomping once bloated adversaries while
they’re on their knees begging.
Earlier this
year I spent two weeks in Los Angeles,
where I rented a Ford Mustang. It wasn’t intentional; I believe that Mustang drivers
are subhuman – a breed that should be exterminated as soon as we’re done with Larry
the Cable Guy fans and bitchy retail clerks.
Anyway; since
they didn’t have the car that I reserved – or much of anything else in my price
range – I got stuck with the guido express. I won’t lie; I connected with the
Mustang for a minute since I’ve never been much of an ethnic Italian, and it was
nice to touch my roots. And then I fired up the shitbox and peeled off.
The Mustang had
less than 20,000 miles clocked, yet it was looser than your favorite porn star.
While I’m aware that people beat rental cars like they do hotel headboards, the
condition was unacceptable. If Mustangs are supposed to idle as loudly as mine
did, as my friend suggested, then their owners are even dumber than I thought.
On the interior,
the fixtures were insultingly substandard. From what I understand the sticker
price on such a ‘Stang is upwards of $25,000, yet the dials, dashboard, and
door handles were inferior to those on my $15,000 Toyota Matrix. I always knew
that stubborn folks who buy American got ripped off, but I never knew how
badly.
Am I really
using one token anecdote to defend my claim that an entire industry should be
left to burn? Yes – I am. Well, that and every other example I have of Ford,
GMC, and Chrysler taking advantage – from my uncle’s regularly sidelined 2003
Cadillac to my buddy’s Saturn with the devilishly temperamental door locks.
Oh yeah – for
anyone who hasn’t read the other 10,000 op-eds reaming the “Big Three” – these companies
aggressively lobbied against increased fuel economy standards while pushing Navigators,
Avalanches, Hummers, Escalades, and Grand Cherokees on a willfully ignorant and
easily manipulated public. For that alone they should be left to bleed.
I won’t pretend
to know what the resulting situation will be with regards to jobs; maybe
foreign companies really will increase stateside production as many are
projecting. I do, however, find it hilarious that Democrats who sat silently
while computer, service industry, and telecommunications jobs were outsourced
overseas are suddenly concerned about unemployed Americans.
It’s hard for a
self-respecting pragmatist like me to agree with the Bush administration – or
with Republicans in general – on any substantial issue. When there is convergence
it’s generally because we reached the same conclusion via different paths, like
when Bush wanted to open borders to secure cheap labor for his cronies and I
simply thought it was hypocritical to keep out brown people.
So while I’m not
sure which GMC lobbyist forgot to stuff Bush and Cheney’s coffers, I’m glad that
he sided with logic on this one. This proposal could only be more ridiculous if
it included plans to bail out the equally pathetic music industry.
November 18, 2008
And everybody wants to be Irish. So it all works out.
We predicted that the world would embrace America's first African-American president, but never imagined they'd actually hijack his heritage. Cannot wait for the German edition.
November 17, 2008
For my first science/techie blog I was going to write about the bacon iPod case. Ok, it's not that scientific or techie, but come on it's an iPhone wrapped in bacon!! Ok, it's not really bacon, but it's still pretty ingenious. It's actually a bacon-looking felt case wrapping an iPhone, and really asks the deeper question of what isn't better with bacon? That's deep.
But I digress, I'm not writing about the bacon case. What I stumbled upon in my grand boredom of what has become my Friday nights in my 30s was that, HOLY SHIT!!, there were four planets discovered and PICTURED outside our solar system.
I know you're probably wondering how this would affect your life as much as a bacon wrapped wireless gadget would, but seriously, this is big time shit people. We're talking about planets orbiting stars, not our own, light years away that we can SEE. Holy crap!!
The first planet found was pictured by the Hubble telescope (damn that thing is good) and is called Fomalhaut-b. It's about three times massive as Jupiter and takes about 870 years to orbit its sun, the star Fomalhaut of the constellation Piscis Austrini and is about 25 light years away.
Did I mention Holy Crap??
Apparently, I've been living under a rock 'cause there are about 326 other exoplanets (planets outside our Solar System) that have been detected over the last 30 years, but none have ever been photographed. November 13 was the first time a real picture of an exoplanet has been produced.
Ok, so Fomalhaut-b is probably not gonna have any slimy aliens slithering their way toward Earth anytime soon. But there were three other planets also photographed Nov. 13. These little buggers are orbiting a star cleverly named HR 8799 (creative types these star-namers), a short 129 light years away, in the constellation Pegasus. These planets are orbitting their sun at the distance of our outer planets, Uranus (yeah yeah, we know whoever named this one shoulda been smacked), Neptune and Pluto. Ok, again, probably no aliens, at least none that are anything like us...but we still are not 100 percent sure. There could be oxygen in the atmosphere of these gigantic planets-- NASA has to check some light imagery something or other to figure this all out.
Why do you care? Cause this means we are one step closer to Independence Day, ok hopefully not that one, hopefully more like Close Encounters of the Third Kind, minus the horrible hippie hair. Hopefully anal probing is not included in our futures, 'cause I'm really not down with that. People are excited about a black president, yes I am very excited too, but can you imagine if we actually got pictures of an alien president in the next 20 years? Holy Crap! I mean, if they exist, we are obviously one giant step closer to finding out! Our technology has come so far that we can take pictures of planets outside our solar systems?? Holy crap!
If we ever get to meet any extraterrestials, I'm totally going to introduce them to bacon, and maybe even the bacon wrapped iPhone. Hopefully they'll like it enough to spare me the anal probe.
November 16, 2008
At dinner before Jim Norton’s Saturday nightcap at The Comedy Connection’s Wilbur Theatre, I commented: “I want to sit like Lincoln.” For anyone unfamiliar with where the 16th president was assassinated, I meant I wanted balcony seats. No shit – I really said that.
This was a passing hope; I’ve never in my life been blessed with such exalted digs, and I didn’t expect this time to differ. In fact, I’d never been to the new Connection, so I didn’t even know if they had balconies.
I’m sure you’re reading this review to learn about my seating arrangements, so here goes: When I showed up at will call, they only had one ticket reserved. I needed two. So the hospitable window agents hunted down the only remaining seats left beside each other.
Amazingly, my new tickets were in the balcony, or, “The Box,” as they call it. For the first time ever, I lamped like Lincoln, Lawrence Taylor on Def Jam, and George and Jerry at the Flying Santos Brothers. It was exhilarating, and the show wasn’t bad either, even though the kid who yells “Freebird” was there.
This was my first trip to the relocated Comedy Connection, and I’m impressed. I hope they don’t have plans to upgrade, and that the only addition will be that of a liquor license (coming soon). Right now it’s an ideal space to get rowdy – like a new apartment where your friend has yet to unpack.
Instead of dressing up the Wilbur with gaudy brass and velvet accents, the owners simply brought the old Faneuil Hall fixtures. The place still feels like a comedy club where you can fart, puke, laugh at pussy jokes and spill drinks without caring. They can go ahead and switch the last two letters though; thankfully, the Wilbur is much more of a “theater” than it is a “theatre.”
There’s nothing formal to it, as the Connection folks kept the age-old comedy show formula: host plus feature plus headliner equals entertainment. So long as the first two don’t suck, which they didn’t.
Opener P.J. Thibodeau worked the crowd with jokes about amputees and colossal black cocks (“pepper mills”). My favorite: “I was in Maine recently, and you would think there would be more black guys up there since they like white chicks with big asses so much.”
Thibodeau is a refreshingly honest voice; anyone who dislikes when comedians blatantly manufacture life experiences should enjoy his take on everything from groceries to rental cars, which he equates to hookers (“You can do things to rentals that you wouldn’t to your own car”).
Norton’s fans are hardcore. Yes – they’re hardcore meatheads, too, but in their fandemonium as well. The majority of them might be sports crazed one-dimensional ex-frat cubicle rats, but they’re in tune with their leader’s mockery of irritable societal conventions.
Laughs come easy for Norton, who set it off with bits about 17-year-old sluts and animal abuse. “I’ll never go to the zoo again without a gun,” he promised.
Then came the most ruthless bit about Sarah Palin, her state, and her retarded kid that I’ve heard all year. “Alaska is an arctic shithouse,” Norton declared. “They want to secede – fine – let’s go up there, take all their oil, and then knock all the trees down on our way out just for the fuck of it.”
Old people got reamed, as did Rudy Giuliani’s lisp, and former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer (“Old Cancer Head”). But nobody caught it as badly as Hillary Clinton, the “menopausal sociopath” whose thick calves and ankles bore the grunt of at least seven stingers.
For those still wondering how Barack Obama convinced so many white people to vote for him, Norton offered a hypothesis: He believes the turning point was when the president-elect winked on national television. “Real black guys only wink when they’re lining up to shoot you,” he said.
Obama didn’t get off completely, though; “What’s with those purple lips?” Norton asked. “It looks like he blew Grimace.”
There was a lot to be learned at The Wilbur this past Saturday, from how to lube vaginas with snot rockets to how to make women swallow by pinching their noses (“Take the medicine”).
But despite Norton’s brand of subterranean brow comedy, his material is absolutely clever. Snobs can hate all they want; this dude is clearly on the bright side of the comedy divide. Plus - there's nothing lamer than being a "comedy snob."
While virtually every artistic medium has been compromised by vapid junk, Norton proves that the level of mainstream comedy is soaring. He might be an angry little scumbag, but he eschews cliché, and that’s all you can ask for these days. Well, that and some leftover Terri Schiavo jokes.
November 14, 2008
Today, the panel of experts (and Lance Gould) discuss the best place in Massachusetts to raise a family...Malden?
DOWNLOAD: Cares or Who Cares (mp3)
November 14, 2008
No, seriously. Shocker.
This photo, which seems to be authentic, is hosted on whitehouse.gov, accompanying a press release about President Bush welcoming 2008 NCAA champions to the White House. Perhaps, as my colleagues surmise, he thinks they're all throwing a pitchfork, as homage to the Arizona State Sun Devils?
November 14, 2008
TONE DEAF
5 years ago
November 14, 2003 | Chris Wright thought it strange that the Globe delivered trivial corrections in the same tone as it did significant ones.
“There have been many wonderful corrections in the Globe over the years. ‘Because of an editing error, a photo accompanying a story on admitted arsonist Francis K. Fraine incorrectly identified Fraine. The photo shown was that of Francis M. Fraine, a Billerica police officer and member of the town’s School Committee.’...Great stuff.
“Just last week, the Globe ran a correction regretting that, in a recent profile of Michael Dukakis, its reporter had misstated the date of a birthday party being held for the former governor. It seems unlikely that there will be much gnashing of teeth...over this blooper — ‘The party of the year! Get me my attorney!’ Still, it’s always struck me as odd the way newspapers shrug off their mistakes like this. It seems even more odd that they would assume the same perfunctory tone of regret for botching a birthday announcement as for pointing the finger of blame at an innocent man. The Francis M. Fraine incident, you’d think, would at the very least warrant a few exclamation marks — an ‘Oops!’, a ‘Shit!’, or a ‘We’re so sorry!’
“Further, the way the offending staffer is identified in these corrections seems weak to me. I’d like to see something along the lines of, ‘Our crime reporter, Nelson Grinkle, is, frankly, a slobbering moron who wouldn’t know a fact if it crept up behind him and ruffled those three hairs he insists on sweeping across his liver-spotted pate. He will be given a hefty kick up that fat rump of his and forced to read the entire Sunday paper from front to back. Damn him.’ ” Read full article
PUBLIC INDECENCY
15 years ago
November 12, 1993 | Robert David Sullivan wrote up a post-election special on gay rights that makes being pissed over California's Prop 8, for example, old hat.
"Gays have never focused on the scary elements of Halloween. We get enough of a fright from Election Day. This year's brought more disappointments for gays and lesbians, mostly in the form of referendum votes against gay rights in Cincinnati (62 percent), Lewiston, Maine (67 percent), and Portsmouth, New Hampshire (59 percent)...
"Safety played a part in the referendum questions...Americans generally follow the Nancy Reagan rule when it comes to voting on ballot proposals: if you have a scintilla of reluctance, ‘just say no.’
"The future isn't totally bleak. Where support for gay rights takes root, it tends to do so permanently. Statewide gay-rights laws in states like Hawaii and Wisconsin are becoming unassailable as the years go by...But it's going to be a long haul elsewhere, and there are plenty of November frights yet to come."
BABY STEPS
25 years ago
November 15, 1983 | Michael Rezendes observed as mayoral candidate Mel King greeted voters in East Boston.
“In a campaign swing through East Boston last week, passers-by greeted King enthusiastically everywhere he went. In a neighborhood where racial violence was not uncommon before busing, a neighborhood where a black family was bombed out of its apartments in the Maverick Square public housing project after busing, King was treated like a celebrity.
“People called out to him from storefronts as he walked from Maverick to Central Square. Two teenagers in a red Cadillac...made a show of blocking traffic on Meridian Street so they could shake King’s hand...It was not an uncommon response, and it is precisely the kind of reaction that’s helped convince King that his boundless optimism and his unyielding belief in the best side of human nature will bring out the best in people wherever he goes. Those who have stopped on the streets of white ethnic neighborhoods to touch and hear Mel King may not vote for him on Tuesday. But thousands of Bostonians who never dreamed of striking up a conversation with the tall, bearded black man with the piercing eyes and the slow, measured speech have come to know and like him. That, at least, is progress.”
TOY STORY
35 years ago
November 13, 1973 | The Phoenix reported the news that the Navy had spent $375,000 in an attempt “to perfect the Frisbee as a weapon of war.”
“In a 207-page report, the Navy says that extensive wind-tunnel, computer and finally even cliff-throwing experiments were conducted on the Frisbee before the Navy abandoned its research three years ago. The Navy reports that it was hoping to use Frisbees to replace the parachutes used for air-launched flares.
...
“The Frisbee as a weapon fizzled, however. The project was finally abandoned in 1970 after Navy researchers...stood on the side of a Mesa and hurled Frisbees into the air. Timing their descent speeds back to earth. It was found that the flight path of the Frisbee was neither predictable nor stable enough to replace parachutes.
“The makers of the Frisbee, the Wham-O Manufacturing Company of San Gabriel, California, admit that they were happy to learn that the Navy experiments failed. Company spokesman Goldy Norton states that Frisbees are very popular with the anti-war generation -- adding ‘If the Frisbee were adopted as an article of war, it wouldn’t help us any.’ “
November 14, 2008
Some of you may
have already seen this Chris Hedges editorial/polemic/essay, since it was
posted on AlterNet two days ago and has already inspired more than 300
comments. It's titled "Forget Red vs. Blue - It's the Educated vs.
People Easily Fooled by Propaganda." In one sense, this could come off
as the most despicable bit of intellectual snobbery since GING (or my
referring to it as such). In another sense, it's entirely accurate (hint: the
latter is correct). I would worry about the sort of vicious comments that
should pile up below for propping such a piece, but anyone who disagrees with
this is most likely incapable of getting through the whole thing. Here's an
excerpt:
We live in
two Americas.
One America,
now the minority, functions in a print-based, literate world. It can cope with
complexity and has the intellectual tools to separate illusion from truth. The
other America,
which constitutes the majority, exists in a non-reality-based belief system.
This America,
dependent on skillfully manipulated images for information, has severed itself
from the literate, print-based culture. It cannot differentiate between lies
and truth. It is informed by simplistic, childish narratives and cliches. It is
thrown into confusion by ambiguity, nuance and self-reflection. This divide,
more than race, class or gender, more than rural or urban, believer or
nonbeliever, red state or blue state, has split the country into radically
distinct, unbridgeable and antagonistic entities.
November 13, 2008
Mission Not Accomplished, but hey.
FireJoeMorgan.com, a site that became famous for its scathing critiques of baseball commentators, talking heads, columnists, beat reporters, and even on occasion other bloggers, has announced today that they will shut it down.
FJM was handily one of the funniest sports-related sites on the internet from its inception in 2005. It was no surprise when its anonymous authors - Ken Tremendous, dak, and Junior, revealed themselves to be TV writers. Specifically, Ken Tremendous is actually Mike Schur, who has been writing for The Office (US) since the start and will be working on NBC's new Amy Poehler vehicle in the spring. That's probably a big part of why they're discontinuing the site. At the same time, it also does seem like stat-heads are gaining more and more credibility, and more and more mainstream sportswriters are considering this stuff in their own writing and reporting. ESPN was even considering moving Joe Morgan off Sunday night broadcasts. Posting had tailed off in part because, other than some offenders (him too) they looked like they were starting to run out of material.
All the same, the site will be missed. Hopefully someone can step into its place.
November 13, 2008
The world of snacks is complex. And supermarket shelves, with their unwavering tendency to be stocked for aisles with snack option after snack option (and imitation after imitation), offer little solace. What's tastiest? Cheez-It's or Cheese Nips? Nilla Wafers or VAnilla Wafers? Cheez Doodles or Cheetos Puffs? Where's the confused and overwhelmed snack addict to turn?
Luckily, an intelligent, snack-savvy, Boston-based husband-and-wife team has come up with solution: a blog called Second Rate Snacks. Here's what they do: Buy snacks. Eat them (or find willing nearby victims - like co-workers - to eat them). Compare, contrast, blog, repeat. They'll boldly tell you which is better, Twinkies or Gold n Cremes, and why.
On the Nilla Wafers versus VAnilla Wafer debate, for example, they say:
"Nilla Wafers were the clear winner. It won people over with it’s
subtle texture and mild flavor. The Stauffer’s version was too rough
and dry with a poor quality vanilla flavor so it just didn’t have a lot
going for it."
And, on the Jell-O pudding versus Swiss Miss Pudding debate:
"At the risk of upsetting Mr. Cosby, I’ll say that if given a choice,
I’d go with Swiss Miss just for the richer chocolate flavor. Ethan
doesn’t like dark chocolate and while Swiss wasn’t “dark chocolate”, he
prefered [sic] the mellowness of the Jell-O pudding. "
And, on an epic, four-way battle between Hostess Apple Pie, Entenmann's Apple Pie, Little Debbie Apple Pie, and Drake's Apple Pie:
"Entenmann’s stood out from the rest. Its decent crust and flavorful
filling most resembled apple pie, and the cinnamon smell/taste really
contributed to the win. We wondered if the others had added more
cinnamon or other spices if they would have been better. Little Debbie
is O for 2 so far but I have faith in her since her Swiss Rolls are so
awesome - maybe devil food cake (and nutty bars) are her specialty. So
the results are: Entenmann’s on top, followed by Hostess, and then kind
of a tie between Drake’s and Little Deb for being the worst."
Weigh in, in the comments section, or read on to find your own snack salvation here.
November 13, 2008
We're happy to alert everyone to this news, but it seems everyone's already aware. This was the line moments ago (photos © me):
November 12, 2008
A Spokane Vally, Wash. man was arrested for breaking into a liquor store by smashing its front window.
His first attempt to smash the liquor store's window with a rock failed, so he went up the street to a hardware store and purchased a hammer for $11. TWith said hammer, our friend successfully broke into the packie, and stole...a $9 bottle of wine.
November 12, 2008
(Joel Veak)
It’s been
about five years since I’ve inhaled the delicious, nutty tang of a
second-hand cigarette puffed indoors — since I’ve reclined and watched while whorls of
smoke hover and shift and dissipate through the room’s still air. I’d forgotten
what a nifty bit of atmosphere it adds to a conversation.
During an interview
last month in a well-appointed room in the Hotel Commonwealth, legendary cartoonist
Art Spiegelman lit up Camel after Camel as he propounded upon his long career: from
zonked-out underground comix scribbler to aspiring fine artist to commercial draftsman
(he co-created Garbage Pail Kids) to Pulitzer
Prize-winner, for his 13-years-in-the-making Holocaust opus Maus.
We only had
room for about 15 percent of the transcription in this week’s paper, but we’ve uploaded
audio and text of the entire interview to ThePhoenix.com.
Ostensibly,
the chat was about Spiegelman’s new books — the augmented re-print of his 1978
debut collection Breakdowns:
Portrait of the Artist As a Young %@*&! (Pantheon), and an
intriguing foray into children’s lit, Jack
and the Box (TOON Books). But we ended up going on about subjects as
diverse as Mad Men, Max Beckman, Harvey
Kurtzman, MAD
magazine, MoMA, amblyopia, and the
“Faustian deal” whereby comics are thriving while also being saddled with outsized
expectations that they always be “art” and/or “literature.” Listen
for yourself.
DOWNLOAD: The Phoenix interviews Art Spiegelman [mp3]
November 12, 2008
1. As soon as Obama uttered the words: "Sasha and Malia, I love you both so much, and you have earned the new puppy that’s coming with us to the White House," on November 4, a certain subset of people (you know, just smaller media outlets, like the San Francisco Chronicle and Reuters, and pretty much everyone else who was tired of covering real news. BORING!) stopped thinking about this year's "historic" election, and what it meant about race in America, and how Obama will tackle the many, gargantuan problems awaiting him in the White House. Nope, they were thinking about puppies, and in particular what kind of puppy the Obama family should adopt as first dog. An ambitious seventh-grader from Conway, N.H. has already penned a letter to Obama, asking him to adopt from the Conway Area Humane Society shelter. A canine club in Peru has offered up a hypoallergenic, Peruvian hairless dog. Apparently, a golden doodle is also in the running.
2. The Brickbottom Gallery, in Somerville, is opening a show on December 4 called "Best in Show: Artists and Their Dogs." The show will run through January 10, with a reception on December 7 from 4-6 pm. Here's an irresistible sneak peak. It's a pastel painting called "Cleve in the Grass," by David Sholl:
3. Have you seen the puppy cam!? If you've got anything to do for the next few weeks, cancel it. This is much better. Nothing can top watching grainy, live footage of a couple of five-week-old Shiba Inus puppies. (Gawker called it "a fantasty [sic] that cures us of our free-floating anxiety in an uncertain world.") They sleep! They snuggle! They roll around and trip over each other! I actually laughed out loud with delight last night, when one of them sleepily stood up, then promptly, and clumsily collapsed on another dozing puppy nearby. I'll stop trying to explain it, though. Just watch, here.
November 11, 2008
Join a growing mass of human rights activists and everyday
citizens who feel just as angry about California’s
decision to ban gay marriage as you do.
Cambridge resident and Boston Architectural College student Ryan MacNeeley,
22, is working in conjuncture with Mass Equality to organize the Boston branch of the jointheimpact.com nationwide anti-Prop
8 rally on Saturday, November 15, at 1:30 pm at Boston City Hall Plaza. It’s the second rally in less
than a week that MacNeeley has organized (the first was Nov. 9 in Central Square), using
the social networking tool Facebook as a means to galvanize users and propel
them into action. “I have a deep interest in equal rights for all citizens,”
MacNeeley says. “It’s up to our government to address this situation
immediately.”
MacNeeley initially began working with Paul Sousa (who he
met at a protest) and Kate Leslie (who he met on Facebook, natch) on organizing
the rally, and the three quickly found a support system in Mass Equality, who
have taken over the logistical and legal aspects of the rally’s preparations.
Mass Equality Field Organizer Ryan Brown says that a number of local political
and social leaders will attend, and possibly speak at, Saturday’s rally.
(Details to follow.)
"We wanted to join in the fight in Boston and mobilize
thousands of people," MacNeeley says, "to make it heard that people aren’t going to tolerate
this kind of legislation. We’re not
going to tolerate hate."